I love hiking out west.
The Coloradan Rocky Mountains have especially been a refuge these last few years to center my soul amidst my own rocky and sporadic re-entry from the mission field. Having a park ranger for a sister has been an awesome thing!
My sister and I were planning to run a half-marathon together out in Estes Park this month. Having participated in the Disney Princess Half-Marathon in February here in Orlando, I was both surprised and excited that Kathryn agreed to such insanity! We signed up in April and I began my training in Florida, fully expecting to improve upon my singular personal record in this event.
A race in August sounded perfect. I had no interest in returning to Rocky Mountain National Park until late summer anyways, as to avoid the possibility of remaining snow because, well... you've perhaps read about my near death experience two thawing Springs ago. While I've enjoyed snowshoeing in past visits, I was ready for plain old dirt and rocks as my terrain. The anticipation was building to get out there and "bag" more peaks without the cold, wet, white stuff.
When training for greater distance races, you typically start out with lower mileage, adding a mile or two each week to your longest run. So, by April 20th, I had built up to 5 miles and was feeling fairly confident this time around. It was no longer "I think I can, I think I can," it was "I know I can, I know I can."
Wouldn't you know, though...upon rounding the corner on mile 4, I tripped on a raised sidewalk in my neighborhood. There was no preventing what happened next... time seemed to slow as I braced for impact. I managed to throw my weight into the grass, barely scrapping my right knee, but I immediately felt a jamming jolt on my left side. Having assured the gawking pile-up of concerned rubberneckers that I was fine (yes, my fall literally stopped traffic), I decided to call for a ride instead of hobbling the last mile home.
Throw some dirt on it, right? I've had my share of running injuries before- foam roll, ice, epsom salt, ibuprofen. Surely this was just a strained or pulled muscle and I'd be back to running in no time.
I continued my training, albiet a bit slower and more careful, until two weeks later when my body decided "enough." No longer did the aching remain in my lower back and glutes, but red flags were raised with shooting sciatic pains that locked in place, starting as a vice-grip in my abdomen and traveling down my left leg with driving pains in my ankle and big toe.
Several doctors and chiropractic visits later, an MRI revealed I had re-traumatized an old disc injury from 9 years ago. I earned myself not one, but two severely herniated discs with radial tears and spinal stenosis to boot, this time. I've dealt with flare-ups off and on with my lower back ever since the initial injury in 2010 but this takes the cake.
Believe me, I've done everything I know and have been told to do by doctors. However, exactly three months and one epidural steroid injection later, the nerve pains have now decided to switch things up and alternate sides as my body is attempting to compensate for this trauma. I'm told this is a good sign but it's not at all pleasant or reassuring.
Needless to say, my sister ran the half-marathon in Estes Park without me. While I grieved not running the race and hiking more trails this summer, I'm so stinking proud of her!
My chiropractor broke the news that this sort of injury takes on average 6 months to recover... and I'm not entertaining the idea of any form of surgery at this point. With potentially 2 more epidural steroid injections in my future, I'm taking it one day at a time and doing my best to remain positive.
So, I guess now is as good of a time as ever to catch you up to speed a tiny bit. It's not like I haven't written a blog in over a year or anything...
I suppose the last you heard from me here, I had written about my trip to Singapore the end of 2017. Well, I turned right around and flew out to Herborn, Germany the beginning of 2018 to meet up with the Genesis Design team to collaborate on curriculum.
Upon my return from this trip, the Lord had begun whispering Isaiah 43:18-19 and I knew changes were coming...
I've grown accustom to the Lord speaking a word long before it comes to pass, but I still was hopeful that this "new thing" would have come sooner and perhaps differently. What I didn't realize is that He was serious about remembering not the former things nor considering the things of old.
All of it.
For the last couple of years, I've been in a deep spiritual wrestle with the Lord over His words and promises. Through this wrestling, it was eventually made clear that I needed to step back from every ministry with whom I had been involved. It was a terribly difficult decision, but one which was made through much prayer and received with acceptance.
So, by the end of last November, I had stepped down from writing curriculum for Genesis Design and completed my interim admin position with the ministry PurityWorks. And officially, as of May 1, 2019, I was released from all ministry obligations with New Way Missions, making me a free agent.
I don't think it's coincidence that just as I stepped out in faith into the beginning of an entirely new season, anticipating the new thing God had been speaking... BAM! I literally fall right into this current predicament, further intensifying the wrestle.
Chronic and debilitating physical pain can do a number on our bodies and our emotions, and I fully recognize there are those dealing with far worse situations for far longer than my own. Even so, I've found myself being plunged into despair and hopelessness at times, just wanting to give up as everything has seemingly been removed, even my ability to run... let alone being able to walk to the mailbox!
Yet, even if I come away from this wrestle with a limp like Jacob, I will not let go. I've become all too familiar with Genesis 32 these last few years, as well.
Naturally, having limited mobility, I've had a lot of time to reflect and process. I recently decided to look back at what I had written in my journal before that fateful day in April. The very day I fell, I had written how the Lord ministered to me through an osprey gracefully soaring over a pond, reminding me of His promise in Isaiah 40:29-31...
Before I even knew that this injury was significantly more than a sore muscle and would zap me of all physical and emotional strength, the Lord reminded me of this word... all while observing His creation doing what it does best...
Going back to my journal, I read the last entry I wrote before the pain imploded into what it is now. The only thing I recorded that day was scripture from Matthew 4:1 and nothing more...
For whatever reason, the Lord highlighted this lone verse to me that day. I can't help but acknowledge here how God was preparing my heart for what was coming. At the time I read this as having emerged from a lonely wilderness of 7 long, difficult, and trying years of ministry in missions, but as I read it now, I see it in a completely different light.
We all are led into our own lonely wilderness seasons, not for punishment but to reveal God's strength in us against the accuser of our souls. I don't know about you, but the lies of the enemy have been unforgiving in my ears and I have had to consciously make the decision to believe what God says about me, in an attempt to soar above it all.
If you could only see my room right now... it's like a scene straight out of season 2 of Stranger Things in Maury Bauman's bunker. (I've done some shameless binge-watching during my recovery 😆 don't judge me) Only my walls are plastered with post-it notes and visual reminders declaring who God is, who I am in Him, and His promises to me as His beloved. This is serious business, y'all!
I may not understand why this has happened, especially the timing of it all, but I know one thing. These herniated discs are not God's will for my life. He wants me healed more than I want me healed. So much that He gave His Son as the perfect passover lamb to cleanse us of our sins and to mend every broken thing. BY HIS STRIPES, WE ARE HEALED! (Isaiah 53:5)
I mean, when Jesus walked the earth His final 3 years, what was He primarily known for among the flocking masses? Wherever He went, the crowds recognized Him as the One who heals! Nothing was, is, or ever will be impossible for Him, and the very spirit that raised Jesus from the grave lives in me.
So, what do you do when you can no longer climb the mountains?
You speak to them.
Last week, I went to bed with an annoying pounding in my chest. I had no reason to be anxious but my heart wouldn't stop it's wild beating for hours. Somewhere around 1am, after failed attempts to fall asleep, I heard the words clearly within me, "Speak to the mountain."
So, I boldly spoke out, "Anxiety and fear, be gone in Jesus' name! Be lifted up and thrown into the sea"... wouldn't you know, the violent pounding in my chest that I had carried for some 5 hours stopped immediately.
Why was I surprised by this? Jesus said if we speak to the mountains in our lives and have faith for what we ask in prayer, it will be ours. Doesn't this excite you!?
What mountains are standing in your way? Take up your faith and speak to them!
Please, don't hear me wrong. I don't believe God hands us excruciating pain to prove His strength, but I do believe that He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28). And if Jesus conquered sin and death in His broken body on the cross, then we, as co-heirs with Christ, are now more than conquerors, and thus so receiving His rewards.
Now more than ever, with media reporting of the twisted and depraved acts of evil in this world, we must speak LIFE and we must speak to the mountains that seek to derail God's perfect will and purposes in our lives.
Pick a sea, any sea... Atlantic, Pacific, Indian, Arctic, Southern... call it out and send it there!
I'll keep speaking to the pain and inflammation in my body to be uprooted and thrown into the Atlantic... perhaps I should send it further! Call me crazy, but I'm also speaking to the radial tears in both of my discs to be mended in Jesus who is before all things, and in whom all things hold together (Colossians 1:17). Sure, this may be medically impossible for man to mend at this point in time, but nothing is impossible for my God.
At the beginning of all this 3 months ago, I opened my bible haphazardly one day to Luke 8. My eyes fell upon Jesus' emboldened words to the woman with the issue of blood when she touched the hem of His garment, the specific section which represents God's promises...
I knew Jesus was speaking to my heart, my mind, my spirit, and my body in that moment, and I've laid hold of these promising words.
It's only a matter of time... even so, our times are in His hands, and His ways are higher than our own.
Speak to the mountain and redefine what's possible.
The Coloradan Rocky Mountains have especially been a refuge these last few years to center my soul amidst my own rocky and sporadic re-entry from the mission field. Having a park ranger for a sister has been an awesome thing!
Kathryn and me atop Mt. Ida in RMNP last summer
My sister and I were planning to run a half-marathon together out in Estes Park this month. Having participated in the Disney Princess Half-Marathon in February here in Orlando, I was both surprised and excited that Kathryn agreed to such insanity! We signed up in April and I began my training in Florida, fully expecting to improve upon my singular personal record in this event.
Running the Disney Princess Half Marathon with my
dear friend and fellow princess, Gina
Noooooo, thank you!
When training for greater distance races, you typically start out with lower mileage, adding a mile or two each week to your longest run. So, by April 20th, I had built up to 5 miles and was feeling fairly confident this time around. It was no longer "I think I can, I think I can," it was "I know I can, I know I can."
Wouldn't you know, though...upon rounding the corner on mile 4, I tripped on a raised sidewalk in my neighborhood. There was no preventing what happened next... time seemed to slow as I braced for impact. I managed to throw my weight into the grass, barely scrapping my right knee, but I immediately felt a jamming jolt on my left side. Having assured the gawking pile-up of concerned rubberneckers that I was fine (yes, my fall literally stopped traffic), I decided to call for a ride instead of hobbling the last mile home.
Throw some dirt on it, right? I've had my share of running injuries before- foam roll, ice, epsom salt, ibuprofen. Surely this was just a strained or pulled muscle and I'd be back to running in no time.
I continued my training, albiet a bit slower and more careful, until two weeks later when my body decided "enough." No longer did the aching remain in my lower back and glutes, but red flags were raised with shooting sciatic pains that locked in place, starting as a vice-grip in my abdomen and traveling down my left leg with driving pains in my ankle and big toe.
Several doctors and chiropractic visits later, an MRI revealed I had re-traumatized an old disc injury from 9 years ago. I earned myself not one, but two severely herniated discs with radial tears and spinal stenosis to boot, this time. I've dealt with flare-ups off and on with my lower back ever since the initial injury in 2010 but this takes the cake.
Believe me, I've done everything I know and have been told to do by doctors. However, exactly three months and one epidural steroid injection later, the nerve pains have now decided to switch things up and alternate sides as my body is attempting to compensate for this trauma. I'm told this is a good sign but it's not at all pleasant or reassuring.
Needless to say, my sister ran the half-marathon in Estes Park without me. While I grieved not running the race and hiking more trails this summer, I'm so stinking proud of her!
Get it, girl!
My sister crushed her first (and hopefully not last) half marathon!
My chiropractor broke the news that this sort of injury takes on average 6 months to recover... and I'm not entertaining the idea of any form of surgery at this point. With potentially 2 more epidural steroid injections in my future, I'm taking it one day at a time and doing my best to remain positive.
So, I guess now is as good of a time as ever to catch you up to speed a tiny bit. It's not like I haven't written a blog in over a year or anything...
I suppose the last you heard from me here, I had written about my trip to Singapore the end of 2017. Well, I turned right around and flew out to Herborn, Germany the beginning of 2018 to meet up with the Genesis Design team to collaborate on curriculum.
The Genesis Design team working hard in Germany
January 2018
Upon my return from this trip, the Lord had begun whispering Isaiah 43:18-19 and I knew changes were coming...
"Remember not the former things nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing, now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. (ESV)
I've grown accustom to the Lord speaking a word long before it comes to pass, but I still was hopeful that this "new thing" would have come sooner and perhaps differently. What I didn't realize is that He was serious about remembering not the former things nor considering the things of old.
All of it.
For the last couple of years, I've been in a deep spiritual wrestle with the Lord over His words and promises. Through this wrestling, it was eventually made clear that I needed to step back from every ministry with whom I had been involved. It was a terribly difficult decision, but one which was made through much prayer and received with acceptance.
So, by the end of last November, I had stepped down from writing curriculum for Genesis Design and completed my interim admin position with the ministry PurityWorks. And officially, as of May 1, 2019, I was released from all ministry obligations with New Way Missions, making me a free agent.
I don't think it's coincidence that just as I stepped out in faith into the beginning of an entirely new season, anticipating the new thing God had been speaking... BAM! I literally fall right into this current predicament, further intensifying the wrestle.
Chronic and debilitating physical pain can do a number on our bodies and our emotions, and I fully recognize there are those dealing with far worse situations for far longer than my own. Even so, I've found myself being plunged into despair and hopelessness at times, just wanting to give up as everything has seemingly been removed, even my ability to run... let alone being able to walk to the mailbox!
Yet, even if I come away from this wrestle with a limp like Jacob, I will not let go. I've become all too familiar with Genesis 32 these last few years, as well.
Jacob wrestling with the angel of the Lord at the ford of Jabbok
Naturally, having limited mobility, I've had a lot of time to reflect and process. I recently decided to look back at what I had written in my journal before that fateful day in April. The very day I fell, I had written how the Lord ministered to me through an osprey gracefully soaring over a pond, reminding me of His promise in Isaiah 40:29-31...
"He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." (ESV)
Before I even knew that this injury was significantly more than a sore muscle and would zap me of all physical and emotional strength, the Lord reminded me of this word... all while observing His creation doing what it does best...
Soaring high above it all
"... The Holy Spirit led Jesus into the lonely wilderness in order to reveal His strength against the accuser by going through the ordeal of testing." (The Passion Translation)
For whatever reason, the Lord highlighted this lone verse to me that day. I can't help but acknowledge here how God was preparing my heart for what was coming. At the time I read this as having emerged from a lonely wilderness of 7 long, difficult, and trying years of ministry in missions, but as I read it now, I see it in a completely different light.
If you could only see my room right now... it's like a scene straight out of season 2 of Stranger Things in Maury Bauman's bunker. (I've done some shameless binge-watching during my recovery 😆 don't judge me) Only my walls are plastered with post-it notes and visual reminders declaring who God is, who I am in Him, and His promises to me as His beloved. This is serious business, y'all!
"You're being naive, Nancy!" Anyone? 😂 But I'm not watering down this truth ...
I may not understand why this has happened, especially the timing of it all, but I know one thing. These herniated discs are not God's will for my life. He wants me healed more than I want me healed. So much that He gave His Son as the perfect passover lamb to cleanse us of our sins and to mend every broken thing. BY HIS STRIPES, WE ARE HEALED! (Isaiah 53:5)
I mean, when Jesus walked the earth His final 3 years, what was He primarily known for among the flocking masses? Wherever He went, the crowds recognized Him as the One who heals! Nothing was, is, or ever will be impossible for Him, and the very spirit that raised Jesus from the grave lives in me.
So, what do you do when you can no longer climb the mountains?
You speak to them.
"Jesus replied, 'Let the faith of God be in you! Listen to the truth I speak to you: If someone says to this mountain with great faith and having no doubt, "Mountain, be lifted up and thrown into the midst of the sea," and believes that what he says will happen, it will be done. This is the reason I urge you to boldly believe for whatever you ask for in prayer- believe that you have received it and it will be yours.'" Mark 11:22-23 (The Passion Translation)
Last week, I went to bed with an annoying pounding in my chest. I had no reason to be anxious but my heart wouldn't stop it's wild beating for hours. Somewhere around 1am, after failed attempts to fall asleep, I heard the words clearly within me, "Speak to the mountain."
So, I boldly spoke out, "Anxiety and fear, be gone in Jesus' name! Be lifted up and thrown into the sea"... wouldn't you know, the violent pounding in my chest that I had carried for some 5 hours stopped immediately.
Why was I surprised by this? Jesus said if we speak to the mountains in our lives and have faith for what we ask in prayer, it will be ours. Doesn't this excite you!?
What mountains are standing in your way? Take up your faith and speak to them!
Please, don't hear me wrong. I don't believe God hands us excruciating pain to prove His strength, but I do believe that He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28). And if Jesus conquered sin and death in His broken body on the cross, then we, as co-heirs with Christ, are now more than conquerors, and thus so receiving His rewards.
Now more than ever, with media reporting of the twisted and depraved acts of evil in this world, we must speak LIFE and we must speak to the mountains that seek to derail God's perfect will and purposes in our lives.
Pick a sea, any sea... Atlantic, Pacific, Indian, Arctic, Southern... call it out and send it there!
I'll keep speaking to the pain and inflammation in my body to be uprooted and thrown into the Atlantic... perhaps I should send it further! Call me crazy, but I'm also speaking to the radial tears in both of my discs to be mended in Jesus who is before all things, and in whom all things hold together (Colossians 1:17). Sure, this may be medically impossible for man to mend at this point in time, but nothing is impossible for my God.
"Beloved daughter, your faith in Me has released your healing. You may go with my peace." (Luke 8:48)
I knew Jesus was speaking to my heart, my mind, my spirit, and my body in that moment, and I've laid hold of these promising words.
It's only a matter of time... even so, our times are in His hands, and His ways are higher than our own.
Speak to the mountain and redefine what's possible.
