Zerubbabel

Fairly early into this saga, I wrote about "Speaking to the mountains" ... and while this is great and all, what do you do when you've been speaking to the mountains and they only grow in size?

I know I'm not alone... 2019 was an incredibly painful year for many.

You know that feeling when hopelessness clings to your bones, no matter how hard you try to shake it off?

Instagram 

After my first epidural steroid injection in July... full of hope

versus

Reality 

Severe nerve pains and sleepless nights, unable to lay down or even sit from dusk to dawn

(Thank goodness for Whatsapp and friends who were awake on the other side of the world!)

Last August, I found myself plummeting into a darkness I never wish to revisit.  Intensified nerve pains brought a sudden surge in sleepless nights that rendered me utterly raw and vulnerable.

I mean dark.

The enemy attacks when our defenses are down, and unfortunately, my physical and emotional state left me open for his siege.  Lies began pouring in, watering seeds of doubt that God would heal me, that He was listening, or that He even cared for me anymore... I despaired of life itself.

But greater is He who lives in me than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4).  Jesus promised He would never leave or forsake us, and though the enemy's lies felt like truth, I clung to The Lord's faithfulness towards me in times past.

I had no other choice but to rest in Him until the raging storms ceased.

After my third and final epidural steroid injection (which did absolutely nothing except 💸) 

While dealing with the physical pain of two ruptured discs and a misaligned spine, I also had been  processing an assortment of distressing experiences from the last several years on and off the mission field.  It's normal for returning missionaries to go through some form of counseling and/or debriefing, so this was a long time coming.

I've done my best to be an open book in my writing, yet there are some things I have not disclosed chiefly out of respect for others.  Unpacking these experiences undoubtedly played a role in my lower back giving out as our bodies simply weren't created to carry emotional trauma and grief for extended periods of time.

Yet, I know that in all these things we are more than conquerors through Jesus who loves us (Romans 8:37) and I come away with greater conviction that NOTHING in all creation will separate me from the love of God ... ever.

Especially not any stubborn mountains that have yet to be lifted into the sea!

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On October 1st, things began to turn another corner...in a good way.  While sitting outside in the "cool" of the day- who am I kidding, this is Florida- I asked the Lord where in His word He desired to speak to me.

Instead of hearing a title of a book or a number for a corresponding chapter and verse, I heard one distinct name...

"Zerubbabel"

Not a name you hear everyday.

When a name from the Bible comes to mind, I often read the scripture from where the name is found.  As it turns out, Zerubbbel is mentioned in a few books and has a pretty impressive résumé.  He led the first wave of exiles out of captivity to Jerusalem, was named governor of Judah and helped lay the foundation for the rebuilding of the temple that had been previously destroyed by the Babylonians.

Yet, my gut told me there was something more...  after a little digging, I found myself in Zechariah 4...

"This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: 

Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit, says the LORD of hosts.  Who are you, O great mountain? Before Zerubbabel you shall become a plain.  And he shall bring forward the top stone amid shouts of 'Grace, grace to it!"  (v 6-7)

"Who are you, O great mountain?" reverberated in my spirit... just when I began to think this mountain would never be lifted up, the Lord leads me to these words.  Not by might, nor by power, but BY.... HIS... SPIRIT...

Here's a little more background to this particular scripture... When the Lord spoke this word, enemies had come against Zerubbabel and his work, bringing all production to a screeching halt.  Zerubbabel was greatly discouraged, having been released from captivity only to be placed at a terribly painful and long stand-still.

Hmmm... Sound familiar?

The enemy is cunning and loves to prevent us from moving forward by whatever means necessary, but just as in the days of Zechariah and Zerubbabel, we must prophesy what God has declared over our lives!

This isn't some "name it, claim it" scheme.  I don't believe we can remove scripture from the context it was written to demand an answer of our choosing and fulfill our own desires.  However, when we are truly seeking the Lord, reading His word, asking for His intervention and help, I do believe He leads us by His Spirit to an answer.

I didn't know when, but I was sure that this mountain would become a plain through the Spirit of the Lord, one way or another...

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I wish I could say that I was completely restored and training for another race after receiving that promise.  Rather, in the natural, my last MRI showed significantly greater herniation, despite an improvement in pain levels.

One step forward, three steps back, right?

Wowza... who knew a tiny disc could cause such a mountain of havoc in the human body? 

While I do not place my trust in human might or power, I believe God still uses science, medicine, and doctors to bring about healing in the lives of His children.  Knowing that I would be consulting with my neurosurgeon concerning the next steps, I continued to ask the Lord what He truly meant when He said this mountain would "become a plain" and exactly how...

Before this appointment, I was reading the Psalms when a verse nearly leapt off the page...

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers them out of them all. 

He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken." (Psalm 34:19-20)

I understand this scripture prophesies how Jesus would keep all His bones on the cross, not one being broken (John 19:31-37), and yet the Word of God is also both living and active today (Hebrews 4:12).  It may sound crazy, but for whatever reason, I sensed the Lord was declaring that I, too, would keep all my bones.  I tucked this away as rumblings of surgical intervention were growing even louder.

And here's the reason for that verse... Upon reviewing this new MRI study, my neurosurgeon strongly advised that I not only have a full discectomy- removing the herniated disc material- but also a full laminectomy- a procedure which decompresses nerve pain by removing a segment of the spinal column, which, you guessed it, is made of bone.

But that's not all... No, not only would this bone be removed, the surgical team would then grind it and make a plaster, along with a cadaver's bone, to be used to seal me back up as I would most likely also be needing a spinal fusion- a wielding process to fuse my vertebra together.  Whoooaa there, buddy! 

This all seemed a bit extreme, especially considering the tremendous relief I've experienced since changing to a Gonstead chiropractor. That's a whole other story of God's incredible provision and direction in itself!

While this scalpel-hungry neurosurgeon was sharpening his blades to perform surgery Christmas week, I told him I would get back to him after the holidays... in other words,

🎄"Fa-la-la-la-la-la- not-so-fast!"🎄

I was well enough to don reindeer antlers to watch surfing Santas 🏄🎅 in Cocoa Beach!

After the holidays, I was able to seek a second opinion from a neurosurgeon in Downtown Orlando who specializes in spinal trauma.  I prayed that this doctor would be given wisdom and revelation into my specific case and that he would only speak forth what The Lord ordained and nothing more.

This neurosurgeon gave me one of two options: I could continue to see what conservative treatment could yield or I could pursue surgical intervention, as my MRI made me more than a viable candidate. He believes all I would need at this point in time is a microdiscectomy- a minimally invasive 40-minute out-patient procedure where they remove the protruding disc material... and get out!

🙌 ThAnK yOu, JeSuS!! 🙌

Now we're going places!

I was so relieved that this highly-rated medical director of neurosurgery was suggesting a minimally invasive procedure that I wasted no time in scheduling it.  However, as the surgery date approached, I grew more and more unsettled in my spirit.

Ughhh! What now? Why do I feel this way?  

I'm familiar with fear, but the tension I was experiencing wasn't that... I was so eager to be rid of this affliction that I was neglecting the fact that in order to perform a microdiscectomy, they would still need to remove a small piece of my lamina.

"He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken."

I...  COULD...NOT... SHAKE... THESE... WORDS!  

The Lord assured me that He would level this mountain by His Spirit, that He would deliver me out of all my afflictions, and that not one bone would be broken.  One question remained... do I truly believe Him at His words?

    "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. 

     In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. 

     Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. 

    It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones." (Proverbs 3:5-8 ESV)

I had been asking God to give me wisdom and He did.  Leaning on my own understanding, it would make more sense to have the surgery and call it a day...  but then I would not be trusting in the Lord with all my heart. 

By the end of January, I finally decided to cancel the surgery.  Wouldn't you know... as soon as I did, peace and joy flooded my inner being.

Since then, it is as if I can literally hear shouts of "grace, grace!" to this mountain ...  radial nerve pains have almost all subsided, I can lay flat on my back for the first time in months, and I'm walking up to 2 miles at a time when I couldn't even walk to the mailbox before!  Now, you tell me what that's about!

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So often, we ask God for wisdom and direction but we still move forward in our own knowledge, might, and power.  Believe me, I know it's not always easy to discern what God is saying in every situation, but I've learned that if I don't have peace, there's a reason and I must wait until the Lord releases or leads me otherwise.

Do you need healing, wisdom, or direction for a specific situation in your life?  Beloved, your answer is waiting in Him and will be revealed to you in His timing.

"I will take my stand at my watchpost and station myself on the tower, and look out to see what He will say to me, and what I will answer concerning my complaint.  

And the Lord answered me: 

'Write the vision; make it plan on tablets, so he may run who reads it. For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end- it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come, it will not delay.'"  Habakkuk 2:1-3 (ESV)

We watch and wait for His words, write them down for our remembrance, fortify our prayers with His promises, and rest in His faithfulness.

Hold on... keep pressing in... His words are trustworthy... this is not the end!

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While I have no desire to relive the last 9 months (let alone 9 years), I would never exchange the time I've had with the Lord. He has met me in the depths of my despair and carried me with His promises... after all, isn't that what "Footprints in the Sand" is about?

"He then reached down from heaven all the way from the sky to the seas. 

He reached down into my darkness to rescue me! He took me out of my calamity and chaos and drew me to Himself, taking me from the depths of despair! 

Even though I was helpless in the hands of my hateful, strong enemy, You were good to deliver me.  

When I was at my weakest, my enemies attacked- but the Lord held on to me.  

His love broke open the way and He brought me into a beautiful broad place. 

He rescued me- because His delight is in me!"  (Psalm 18: 16-19 TPT)

So, as we leave 2019 behind (and January 2020, am I right?), let us enter further into 2020 leaning on our Beloved One, Jesus, the Living Word.. and receive all that He has declared by His Spirit!